Say no, to say yes.
I friend recently shared her ambivalence about an upcoming dinner date she’d committed to. I asked her: “What do you want to do?” She explained that she wanted to get to know this person, but felt zero excitement about the planned date activities.
My friend’s dilemma felt so familiar to me. How many times have we all been there? Whether it's work, social commitments, dates, or family obligations, we often feel trapped by our own 'yes.'
We fear saying no, or even suggesting something more in line with what we want or think is best. We don’t want to hurt someone else’s feelings. We want to be the kind of person that can ‘go with the flow.’ Or maybe we haven’t even given ourselves permission to think about what we want. So we say yes, but we aren’t actually all in.
There is a common misconception that saying ‘yes’ to make other people happy will create harmony and peace. When we perpetually say yes, we might satisfy others in the short run. But we also neglect ourselves, our needs, and what’s important to us.
When we say ‘no,’ we paradoxically build trust and deepen connection - both within ourselves and with others. We get more clear and confident about what matters to us. We tell the truth about what we want (or don’t want). We give others a chance to meet us where we are.
The resolution to my friend's story illustrates this perfectly: she gathered her courage and told her date what she wanted. Together, they adjusted their plans to make the evening enjoyable for both of them. In that moment of honesty, they got to learn something true about each other. She said no, to make room for a genuine yes.
Here's what I've learned: we can't really say 'yes' to anything until we've learned how to say 'no' to something.
Getting clear on what we want isn’t always easy - especially for those of us who habitually try to make others happy. It takes practice to check in with ourselves, to understand what truly matters, and to be intentional about where and how we spend our time.
When you feel that ambivalence creeping in, ask yourself a simple question:
What do I want?
Listen.
You might just need to say no. But remember, you’re also saying yes - to yourself, to authenticity, and to deeper connections built on truth.