You lose some, you gain some.
I’ve had a love-hate relationship with Daylight Saving Time for as long as I can remember. The rational part of me knows longer, sunnier evenings are here. The overthinking mental math gymnast in me is a lot less convinced: Well I got up at 6am, but it was really 5am. We are having lunch at 11:30, but wait it's really like 10:30, so it just feels weird to eat a sandwich at 10:30. Maybe I should just eat the sandwich?
In practice I don't like losing an hour. I'm like a stubborn child who is tired and hungry, and just needs someone to give me a spoonful of peanut butter, a squirt of whipped cream for good measure, and then put me to bed.
But the better part of me knows this is just part of the process. I'll also be gaining some things. I mean it's really nice because now when I'm leaving work at 5, it's really 4pm. Maybe this isn't so bad. Actually, this is so nice.
Beyond just affecting my lunch and sleep habits, this shifting of time got me thinking about how life sometimes feels like losing and gaining. Just like my circadian rhythm needs time to catch up, change is never easy. It’s kinda like a metaphorical reminder of the bigger shifts I've made in my life. The times I've lost in order to gain. While painful at the time, they've led to unexpected gifts.
These patterns of loss and gain have played out in bigger ways in my life. I ended a bad marriage several years back. It wasn't an easy decision or one I took lightly. I lost the life I'd imagined and the process was so, so hard. I remember one big step in the process - walking into my new empty apartment. Just me, my dog, and my 1.5 year old. The space was much smaller and less modern than what I had built with my husband. Jack's little voice echoed a bit as he ran around the empty apartment. The open space with bare white walls felt like a gut punch. Terrifying and also liberating to leave what I had behind. I gained a lot though. Self-confidence. Peace. Deeper friendships. An amazing group of women who have each other's backs. The ability to heal and show up for myself and my kiddo in a way that I knew I couldn't if I had stayed in that marriage.
Life has also thrown completely unexpected loss my way. I lost a job around the same time my marriage ended. It also happened to be right when Covid hit. While it felt like (and arguably was) a complete shitstorm, I also gained personal space and time. I used that time as a creative outlet to deal with everything I was going through. Through this process, chance meetings, and deeper friendships, I created totem. Through loss, I've gained and continually chosen MY path. It’s marked with with all the forks in the road, challenges, and decisions I made and keep making every day. And let's be honest, I veer off into the wrong direction plenty. But I tend to find my way back. This pattern of loss and gain keeps showing up in my life and I've seen it in those I love and care about too.
We lose, we gain. Maybe we get completely knocked on our ass in between (at least I do... if you are one of those who gracefully navigates change, please teach me your ways!) We never really arrive where everything is tied up and without loss or challenges. And perhaps we keep 'springing forward' because we don't really have a choice. We also just don't know where it will all lead. This uncertainty can be both terrifying and freeing. As Pema Chodron points out: "We call something bad; we call it good. But really we just don't know."
Maybe this time of year can remind us of the bigger picture. There's loss. There's gain. There's change. 'Springing forward' isn't easy. But as I've learned to trust - whether it's an hour, a marriage, a job, or any other little or big loss - some of the darkest times in our life can also be the path to something brighter than we ever imagined.